I’ve never been on a cruise.

People rave about them.   All of the places you visit.  The food.  The drinks.  The FOOD.  My advanced physics professor in college, Dr. Khanna, used to love telling us that every time he went on a cruise, he’d gain 10-15 pounds.

Look…amateurs…if I wanted to gain 15 pounds in a week, I don’t need to pay 4 grand in the process.  I can do it here just fine, and flip through the discovery channel to see the far off places and avoid the 98 degrees.

So, maybe I’m not THAT adventurous.  Maybe someday.  But in the meantime, my trainer thought it would be funny if I wrote about my latest debacle.   Perhaps – but I think this is a lesson to everyone that weight loss is not a straight line event.  You’re not looking at the y = mx+b here for your constant negative slope.

You have good days and bad.  You have good weeks….and not so good weeks.  When the good days and good weeks far outnumber your bad days/weeks, you have positive change.

In my case….in 4 days I gained 19 pounds.

If you do the math, it’s just not really a correct number.  I didn’t really over eat either.


What happened????   WTF???


Every year, some of my friends from college get together at a house in the poconos.  One of my friend’s parents own it as a second house and we take several days to leave the wife/kids behind and relax.  We bring good food, good drinks, and relax.  From my end – I brought a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue and 10 8-ounce filet mignon.   That’s about $400 between the two of those things before snacks and beer.

Walk me through this….HOW????

First – I found a picture from this time last year and have put it side-by-side with a picture from this year to help illustrate my positive change in one year.  More debauchery below.

Honestly, I was shocked at THAT MUCH.  I figured it was going to be 5-7 pounds I’d get rid of in a few days.  However, I ate a LOT of salt…and virtually NO WATER.  I am normally drinking 5 quarts a day.  I literally drank NO WATER for 4 days.  I think I had a coke once.  Interestingly enough, I also didn’t get that wasted either.  So, let’s review…

Thursday – arrive 2PM.

Before I left, I had my normal cereal in the morning and a soup prior to leaving.  So far, so good.  I was going to crack the Johnnie Walker Blue right away, but decided against it. I drank 3 beers prior to dinner and had a nice buzz.  Dinner was 3 slices of pizza and 2 Arnold Palmers.  After dinner….had another beer and 2 red bull and vodkas.  One of our friends arrived at 10, then at midnight we cracked a full bottle of vodka and I had another 4 red bull and vodkas.  But this was also the time I punished the tostitos, martin’s kettle cooked chips, and pretzels.  I also had a little bit of apple pie moonshine.

Friday – slept  until like 11AM.  I was up until 5AM.

No time for breakfast.  Had coffee.  Lunch was 4 thick ribs and 5 chicken drumsticks, cooked to perfection.  I washed that down with 2 drinks of Johnnie Walker Blue.   I continued with another 3-4 beers, apple pie moonshine.  Dinner was 2 pieces of chicken parm and pasta.  I ate a decent amount, but not ridiculous.  This was followed by more red bull and vodkas.  Fire pit cranked up.


Sat – slept until 10AM.  Up until 4AM.

No breakfast again.  Lunch is leftovers.  I had 4 more ribs and another piece of chicken parm.  More beer.  Killed off the blue.  More vodka.  More apple pie moonshine.

Dinner was 12 oz of filet mignon with baked beans and a baked potato.


More binge drinking.  Killed off more vodka where it existed.



Sun – slept until 8AM.  Up until 3AM.  Fire alarm set off by stooges cooking bacon.

Here’s where life gets complicated.  Ate 3 tiny blueberry muffins for breakfast.  Got on the road.  Craving certain foods I haven’t craved in a year.  Decided “f it.  Back doing normal tomorrow”.  Stopped by McDonald’s drive thru.  Got my “fat boy” meal of quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, large coke, extra double cheeseburger.  It was vile.  It was 5 minutes after 11 (they started serving lunch at 11) and it tasted like it was under a heat lamp for an hour.  The ONE time I’ve had McDonald’s in the last year, and I get served this shit?  Get home.  Dehydrated.  Bloated.  No food in the house.  End up ordering a pizza and eat 4 slices. Drank 5-6 quarts of water.

Step on scale (not advised before bed!!), and weighed 19 pounds more than 8 days earlier at the trainers.

First, my emotions – laughed – this was hilarious, followed immediately by horror, sadness, and regret.

Second, I started to try and piece together the crime like fucking Columbo.  Was I missing 35,000 calories somewhere?  70,000 calories?

Let me explain a little of what I *think* happened.  Because this is a mystery.  Note – 6 days later, I’m 12 pounds less than the 19.  Tomorrow may be the litmus test on the true damage 1 week later.

Lots of salt.  No water.  Everything I am drinking/eating is sticking to me.  I felt “swollen” when I came home.   Ankles even looked like they took water on.  It was not a good look.  I aged what looked to be 10 years in 4 days.  Usually, I drink a lot off water and it flushes the sodium out of me.  In this case, my body held on to everything.

Calories.  Yes, I had calories in booze.  If you do the math each day, my guess is it was +3,500 for each of the 4 days.  Or, 4 pounds net gain.  The other 15 pounds?  Geez.

Sleep.  didn’t get a ton of sleep.  I know when I sleep well, good things happen.  This was not good.  Body disrupted.

Exercise.  I didn’t do shit.   Sat there.


Anyhow – in the week that has followed, I probably peed 835 times.  I have a lot more to go.  Hit the trainer yesterday and she destroyed my legs.  We did squats at one point for what seemed to be 2-3 minutes straight and I could barely walk afterwards.  Today, OWWWWW!!  (Hint, we need to add this to the routine, my legs hurt in an amazing way!!).

I was able to do some food prep this weekend and got my eating back to normal.  I’m going to try and crank up my running for the second half of Sept and October.



Before my debacle of a weekend, I was hitting between 12:30 and 13:00 for a mile.  For my runner friends, this is a joke.  For anyone shy of 300 pounds, I’m operating in some elite company.  What’s interesting is I’ve liked running most of my life.  When my weights got out of control, I’d hit the track.  But it’s unrelenting in causing me injuries.   So, I’ve been careful with it…

But what’s interesting is that my “best times” for my mile were within my 2-3 mile runs.  I’d never just run a mile, it would be a waste of time.  Usually 2 miles, sometimes 3.  It would usually be between 16-18 min miles.  While many of you can walk that fast, having a 350 pound man moving like that is decent.  Anyway – my bigger point is yesterday I “warmed up” with a 4.0 mile per hour pace, which is a 15 min mile.  I ran 8 mins, or just over half a mile, and didn’t even break a sweat.  Yes, I had a lot of water in me.  But it was a leisurely pace.

I let that sink in. 16 min used to me pushing it hard.  Now, 15 min is a slow, leisurely pace.

I love progress!!


Lastly….getting back to it.  I did some more prep this past weekend.  I also had my avocado pasta this past week.


And…a fail.

So the wife wanted a power washer for our anniversary present.  I balked.  Not going to get the wife a power washer.  She gets me an awesome food processor and zoodle maker, since I’m always doing some massive cooking.  So, no gender roles here!!

So, my fail.  I decided to try and cut my chopping time down.  I added onions, green pepper, and red pepper.  And…turned it into gel.


So apparently I used the wrong attachment.  I still threw that on the stove and cooked off a lot of water.  I use this in a burrito mix.


Yeah, this is a GREAT heat up meal.  What is it comprised of?

1/3 brown rice (6 cups cooked) – rinse the hell out of your rice to ensure it is fluffy and not sticky.

1/3 black beans (6 cups cooked) – let your beans soak in water overnight to help cook faster and remove the starchy casing which makes you toot.

1/3 meat mixture (48 oz ground turkey).   I brown up the ground turkey then add taco mix, 2 or 3 packets and water.  On the side, I fry up an onion and 2 bell peppers.  Combine.  Add 1 can diced tomatoes and let simmer for 20-30 minutes.

Combine all into a massive container, stir, and dole out into servings to freeze.

To serve?  Nuke container for 5 minutes.  Get wrap.  Place low fat taco cheese on wrap, add burrito mixture, add hot sauce.  3 of these are around 700 calories and extremely tasty and filling!!