I saw the signs – and rebuilding her life to something new.

As many of my readers know, I have been on what I call a spiritual walkabout – and things are acting more and more like a designed matrix every day.  Whether it is my version of “A Creator” or your version of “God” – I am finding there are too many things to ignore. 

I had been talking with my brother about trying to get help for my grandmother for years.  I love her so much, but she is a stubborn Pennsylvania Dutch woman who has see a lot of suffering and pain in her life.  More than any mother should.  About 10 years ago, he tried to talk with her about things and it didn’t go well.  I have tried a handful of times with about the same results.  If you think about it, the house she has lived in for 74 years is all she has left in material value.  The memories she must have had there with her children.  I get it. 

But I was reading the book of Job last week and it hurt to read it.  The man lost his children and his earthly possessions – and he was tested by God.  Eventually, he passed the test and God gave him more than he had before and gave him more children and he lived 140 years to see 4 generations.  While not precisely exact to her, she’s damn near 100 years old.  And, my children at 5 and 17 are 4 generations of her tree.  The last thing holding her to her last life is her home – which may also torture her with daily reminders of what bad things had happened to hurt her.  Just as it seemed Job was tortured for half the book, so has my grandmother for 50 years. 

In the book of Job, the last chapter felt like a happy ending.  And when he gave new family – I couldn’t but feel parallels to a lot of pain I have been dealing with, but when I had this overwhelming joy in the last few weeks, and realized what I have NOW, and how my life is better than before the incident in 2008, I realized that all of that pain and suffering led for me to eventually be a stronger upright man, to complete two master’s degrees so I could provide a better life for my oldest, and provide for my now wife and children.  I had lost a family overnight, and I have been blessed with the best life you could imagine now.  I stopped feeling that pain almost immediately and began to be stunningly grateful for what I have now. 

With this, I turned my thoughts towards my grandmother and wanted to help her.  I wanted her close by so I could see her more often.  She is very religious, and never had debt.  She was a saver.  She re-used wrapping paper.  They had a garden.  Her dryer is literally older than me.  And she is sitting on a chunk of cash that neither my brother or me need.  Our bounty in life is plentiful.  She has never spent a dime on herself except getting her hair permed like once a month when I was growing up.  She never drove a car.  And now I saw this chunk of cash as her ability to begin to live out her final days close to her other “children” – her grandson, my wife, and my two children. 

She had a hard life, and I respect her privacy.  I respect that she wants to be left alone to meet her maker in that house.  But anyone who has an elder in their life knows, things can go very badly – quickly.  You need to be proactive.  And now that I was pointed to Job by my best friend, I wanted to lean into family hard.  Suddenly, I started thinking about being able to visit her once or twice a week during a long lunch.  Stop in on weekends and maybe bring her here for a Sunday night dinner. 

What few people know about my life growing up is that my grandmother was my best friend – outside of my father – as a kid.  She use to play basketball with me in the back yard.  She did these underhand free throws.  I still remember hearing her kind voice in this think Pennsylvania Dutch accent as my grandfather would come home and then change things up with his cursing in PA Dutch.  I still know all of those curse words 45 years later.  My mother would drop us off at my grandmother’s most days during summer.  We would eat a loaf of bread with toast.  More cursing by my grandfather – who would be drunk by 10AM and putting puzzles together.  We would watch the Price is Right daily.  She always had a white dog for us to play with and pet. 

I wanted her to experience a happy ending to her personal book of Job.

Visits and Signs

Because of Job, I then started to look into this more.  My experience with older care places was only a “nursing home”.  My great grandmother was 96 or so and my brother and I would go to this place to see her.  The whole place smelled like urine and cooked liver.  It was overwhelming.  THESE ARE NOT NURSING HOMES!!

I used this site that got me referrals, and the first place I called, I was to talk to a Dana.  Let’s calls her Dana A.  My wife’s name is Dana B.  I called, and Dana A was not around, and she was to call me back in 15 minutes.  I got a call back from a Dana in 15 minutes, but it turned out this was Dana C from another assisted living facility.  She was amazing to talk to, and at the end of the call, I wanted to confirm the address, and it turned out it was the wrong place.  I laughed about it and hung up then.  And a few minutes later, Dana A called me up to talk about grandmom. 

My wife – Dana B – has been trying to get me to help grandmom for years.  Urging me to get her some care.  Well, when I was talking with these people, they wanted to understand income and the insurance etc.

My grandfather worked for Dana Corporation after the Navy for decades.  Part of her income is from the Dana Corporation pension fund my grandfather had.  Her insurance was through Dana Corporation. 

Whoa.  That’s the first sign.

On the way to the first place, let’s call this Company A – I was hit by a car.  Hard in the back.  Instead of getting out and yelling, I decided to take an approach I used to do.  Before life got complicated.  I genuinely wanted to make sure she was ok.  In college, my best friend borrowed by car, and was hit by someone.  They called me, and I genuinely only cared if him and my other friends were ok.  He was so worried about the damage and I genuinely at that time in my life had zero fucks to give about material possessions.  Life today forces you towards these things, and I wanted to be more Christ like. The anger was not there.  Concern for her was.  I felt ok.  I got out and looked, my truck didn’t have a scratch.  Her radiator was steaming and her car looked jacked.  I looked and saw two kids in the back, one in a car seat.  I bet they were scared.  I exchanged info with her, and she was talking about calling the police. 

Most people don’t realize for minor fender benders you usually don’t need to deal with the police.  I had an appointment with company A in less than 5 minutes, and I was 3 minutes away, so I ensured she was ok, got her info, and went about my day.  My back hurt terribly last night and today, and maybe she was looking at her phone or something.  Had I involved the police, maybe she would have lost her license.  Got a steep fine.  I quickly noticed the car was maybe 20 years old and when I was exchanging info, I saw her tires were near bare.  This would could not afford a steep fine and to maybe lose her license.  And with this, my back hurt – sore – nothing serious – and realized that Christ suffered for the sins of others.  I am not Christ, but if you want to live like him, maybe at times you absorb pain for others’ transgressions that weren’t meant to hurt you.  I would be fine in a few days.  If I involved the state – her life could be ruined. 

I went about my day.  In my previous life a year ago, maybe I would have been angry with her.  Called the police.  Taken out anger on her for a mistake.  I chose differently – and how I was raised, and not what I had become over 30 years of material possessions and secularism.

I met Michael at Company A.  We chatted for a few minutes to start, and conversation led to how he had to wake up his little ones sometime – and he named 3 artists.  One was….

Ace of Base.

He didn’t say the song, but you reading this, as me at that moment, heard “I saw the signs”. 

Whoa. 

The tour went on, and every single person at this place knew him.  Everyone had a smile for him.  He literally knew every single resident.  He talked about how this was a family place, and how he is the oldest marketing director in York County.  I saw him working the family business and how he did this was stunning to me.  He was not a marketing director.  He genuinely cared for these people and knew every one of them.  I wanted to see a type of place, and he thought for a moment to then see if we could knock on Nancy’s apartment.  We walked into this apartment, and Nancy was this 81 year old woman who spoke like a 55 year old with vigor and energy.  She was wearing a MARINES shirt, as her son was in the Marines and all of her family was in the service – like my grandfather was.

I looked over on her fridge and saw….Colossians 3:2

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things”.  I continued to feel deeply the path I am on is showing me signs along the way, and that one hit hard. 

I had seen two other places – and Dana C gave me this document on how to talk to grandmom about a possible move.  She was about the nicest human you could ever imagine. 

I felt that Company A was the best fit for my grandmom at this time – the facility was easy to navigate, all one floor, and the PEOPLE seemed amazing.  Near the end, Michael showed me this lounge area where a WW2 vet was sitting and fully alert like he was maybe 75 and Michael asked him when his 101st birthday was coming up.  I heard 101st, airbone, army, and military.  Associations.  But his birthday was May 24th, and my grandmother’s 99th is May 23rd.  More signs. 

There were more minor signs – I was talking to Patriot Angels – who help people get WW2 vets their benefits.  I stopped at the York VA and could not even get an appointment to talk to someone for over a month, and Patriot Angels called me – asked me about my schedule for today for a follow up call, and as I looked at my schedule, my wife put in for today that she may see her childhood lifelong friend Kendra this weekend.  AS I looked at this time slot, the woman on the phone I had been talking to for 30 minutes said Kendra would call me at 11AM today.  How many people do you know named Kendra, and what happens when someone on the phone says the rare name you see with your eyes as she says it?  This was a sign to take that 11AM call and I was on the right path for grandmom.

This past week I had been looking for a UCC to join near me – while I think I found one I liked, there was one close by that helped teachers at my kid’s school when in need.  I wanted to support that cause.   I was told by my wife to take my son to his art show at the elementary school. Well, the art there was STAGGERINGLY good.  Years ago I would have just looked and left.  But I wanted to thank his art teacher for doing such a great job with the kids.  As I was about to speak to her, I heard her tell someone that the art frames were donated by the UCC across the street.  Whoa.  Too many weird things.  I then thanked her.  I wanted her to know she was appreciated.  Where before I would keep to myself, I now had an overwhelming desire to make her smile and show appreciation for her efforts.  Too many people do jobs that are thankless, and teachers probably get yelled at by Karens all day – so I wanted to show true appreciation and to make her feel good.  I then thanked the principal on the way out as well, to show her appreciation for the art teacher.  Not sure if that would help come time for raises, but I wanted her to know how I appreciated the art teacher.

So, it was a spooky day for me. 

Taking care of grandmom

I want to briefly go over struggles all of us have with elder care.  First, if I do not take care of her, I can be charged with elder abuse.  But I live an hour away from her.   She has no one in her life.  I have tried to use services to get her people there to help her, but she is fiercely independent.  I have had power of attorney for her for like 20 years, and at any time I could have “forced” her anywhere.  This is the fear older people have – and it’s valid for some.  But my brother and I have more than we can ever need with money and do not need the money in her bank account.  We both, together, want her to spend what she has to finally – after nearly 100 years – live in some comfort, close to my family.  But if she falls and is taken to the hospital, they may not let her go home.  Ever again.  These places also told me that anyone can even make a complaint with department of health about her – that she could be a danger to herself or others, and either forcibly remove her or give a 30 day notice where she must be placed somewhere.

If you do NOT do what I am doing right now, and that happens – grandmom (mine or yours) can wind up in a nursing home on Medicaid, and the cash that she has would more or less be burned through by the sate before Medicaid would kick in.  This could exhaust her savings in months, and she would be living in that Hell I saw as a kid that none of us want to land in. 

So the work I am doing now, all of you should have this conversation with the elders in your life NOW.  Not to make concrete plans, but to advise them of options and to get things in order NOW in case they fall, have a stroke and can’t be let back home, etc. 

Step 1: re-structure assets

The first thing is something called a look back period.  In 1991 or so, my grandparents transferred their house to my father – but had something on there that said they are allowed to live there the rest of their lives.  I think power of attorney can supersede that, but I never wanted to FORCE anyone anywhere.  So if they have a house or significant property, it might be good now to perhaps work with an attorney for a few thousand dollars so grandmom’s home doesn’t get taken by the state, and the wealth they had their entire lives is then gobbled up by the state.  They had also asked me if she gave any gifts of $10,000 or more to anyone in the last 3 years.  I have control of all of her banking, and she did not.  You are allowed to give a gift of $10,000 one time – without dealing with taxes. 

Step 2: understanding options

The thing here is that there are what I would consider 5 options for people based on their assets, income, and needs:

  1. Nursing home.  This is something that I thought ALL of these places were.  Two people in what looked to be hospital beds sitting in their own mess all day and getting bed sores waiting to die, with no loved ones around.  These are typically paid by Medicaid and if you do not structure assets, the state will take the possessions in grandmom’s name to contribute towards her care with a LOOK BACK period of 3 years.  This is why planning TODAY is a good start. 
  2. 55+ communities.  You see these popping up around a lot.  You are sick of mowing the grass.  Your kid lives nearby and has a McMansion and they do family dinners and Christmas and you don’t want to maintain a giant home anymore.  You want air conditioning, internet, a nice one floor apartment, and maybe your local community has tennis courts, a pool, a gym, and bus trips to Atlantic City or to see shows in NYC.  These people drive and have normal lives, but they are more or less seniors living in a community with a vibrant and active life.
  3. Independent living.  This is what I am looking at for grandmom.  Typically in one floor layouts you have a small 1BR apt with all amenities.  You can cook all you want, drive and go get groceries, but you have like a lanyard to hit if you need help.  Down the hall from you is a hair stylist boutique, a physical therapy room, and a cafeteria that includes 3 meals – with limited menus so it’s not like hospital food. You can go to common rooms and play games, watch entertainment, play pool.  You can go to the libraries.  You can go to church services.  All of this is within like 50 yards of you.  They can take you to any medical appointments you have, but they also have a doctor and a nurse onsite or on call and can get you a dentist or eye specialist there onsite to help you.  Some of that is an upcharge covered by Medicare part B.  Some of these places will upcharge you for cable and wifi, others have the prices included.  Some come furnished, some can be completely empty and you can move whatever in you want. 
  4. Personal Care/Assisted living.  These can be 1 BR or studios, but the prices are a bit steeper.  In my grandmother’s case, she could start at a 1BR independent living and then move to a studio for personal care for $100 less a month if her needs change down the road.  In this case, they will bathe you and help you with meds.  Different levels of care cost more, and the one I saw had a standard level 2 care for personal care.  As care needs increase – like getting in and out of bed every day, getting shoes on, feeding – these costs go up, but I think the highest I saw this was about $1000 more a month for the top level. 
  5. Memory care – this is the most expensive for obvious reasons.  My best friend told me his father had to utilize this, and the cost was about 4x what my grandmother’s costs may be.  Some factors with this also can be where you are and the facilities you choose.  I found the most expensive and high end are the Holiday assisted living care facilities that are all gorgeous, but have a steep cost. 

Step 3: understanding resources

My grandmother has about $53k.  She had no idea because her bank stopped sending her statements, yet they keep telling me they are.  She thought she had like $20k.  So with this, I created a “burn down” rate to which I can start to use some simple math to determine where she could live, and for how long.  Let me take you on this journey, but you should also check to see if your loved one is eligible for veterans benefits. 

My grandmother qualifies for $1500 a month from the VA because my grandfather served in WW2. To qualify:

  1. He had to serve during wartime and not be dishonorably discharged.  Check
  2. She had to have less than $150,000 in assets.  Check.
  3. She did not remarry after he died.  Check.
  4. She is going into assisted living or independent living where the lanyard and response is part of the independent living.  This is different then from the typical 55+ communities.  Check.

I had heard, “just go to York Veterans Affairs, no need to go through a third party agency”.  I went to the York VA and the lady at the front desk asked if I had an appointment – no.  She then told me the next appointment to even SPEAK to anyone was more than a month out.  What?

Well, the service I will talk about below pointed me to Patriot Angels who are a third party service that helps you by taking care of all of this paperwork for you mostly on your behalf with the VA. I have an appointment with them today at 11AM and they said we will probably have her approved before I would ever have the appointment with the VA. 

Whoa! 

Step 4: finding the best options for when the time comes

In my searches, I had also stumbled across “aplaceformom.com” and to me, this is the BEST SERVICE EVER CREATED. It is FREE. It is PAID FOR by all of these communities to help you navigate your way to the best options for you.  I spoke to them now for quite some time, and then what they do is they give you a list of 5 places to check out and schedule for you – then match you with a regional specialist who know all of these communities over years.  They help you navigate the choices best for you. 

What they did was set me on a path to talk to these places.  With Company A, I can get on a wait list and when grandmom is ready, and the spot opens up, she can CHOOSE to move there.  What I am hoping to do is take my grandmother to meet Michael at company A next week, maybe have some lunch there, check out the library, and have her meet nancy to see what kind of living arrangements there are.  I do not think my grandmother is prepared for how awesome this is, and I think she just feels this is a nursing home. 

Step 5: start looking at the money math

When you see the prices for some of these places, you start to worry a little.  Don’t.  Get informed.  I’m going to show you my plan here, and this may help you understand for your position.

In my grandmother’s case, she has about $1700 monthly in Social Security and $400 for a pension through DANA corporation.  $2100. 

The VA benefit is HUGE and this $1500 a month will take her to $3600 a month of spending power. 

For company A, it was $4700 a month for a 1 BR in INDEPENDENT living.  Because they have lanyards and the doctors and nurses onsite, the VA benefit covers this.  So this means she needs $1100 per month to pay the bills.  Wifi and basic cable are included.  I think I will get her alexa and a tablet so she can use it for calling and talking on the phone, and spend time with her to show her how to use it so perhaps she can listen to the bible app I have on a tablet.  Or watch old movies.  Or FaceTime people. 

I know there will be incidentals like her hair care, but care with me. 

Assume she has $53,000 and her “burn rate” is $1200 per month, you then have about a 4 year window she can live in independent living. 

If her needs change, she can change from a 1BR apt there and I can move her down the hall to a studio with level 2 personal care.  This is $4600 per month. 

So really, she turns 99 next month, and assume it takes 1-2 months for the VA benefits to come through and a 1BR apt to open up, that would take her to 103 years old before she exhausts her savings. 

Then, at that point, assume she has a $1000 per month short fall, perhaps my brother and myself can each contribute $500 a month at that point. 

Realistically, every single day I have her at this point is a blessing, and my wish, for HER, is to live in a newer apartment, have every amenity she can ever need within 50 yards, have air conditioning, medical treatment, and a DISH WASHER for the first time in her life.  She can still cook in her 1BR apt.  She loves to cook.  She loves to read, and the library at these places look really nice.  She loves to read her bible, and they have Sunday services there onsite. 

Conclusion

10 years ago when my brother began this search, she met us with a lot of ferocity.  I get it.  But she was down to 81 pounds a few months ago, and I didn’t think she was going to live through the weekend.  I helped her with some stuff and got her back up to 90 pounds.  But she is getting up there, and it is time. However, I want her to see this as an option she can CHOOSE when things can happen, and not be forced into a state facility one day when they won’t let her come home. 

I hope this helps you navigate some things with your elders.  This is why we all are supposed to have a 401k – THIS is what you spend it down for when the time is right. 

I never knew about these places.  I just thought they were all “nursing homes”.